An unpleasant encounter occurred a few hours earlier, which made me realize that I have a strong negative reaction whenever anyone labels me as attempting to "act like a superhero". I observed that every fibre of my being detested being called that. And I recalled the many times I would be reactive in the past when this label is placed on me.
I do admit that I tend to bear more pain than needed and it's been a pattern of mine to take on responsibilities even when i'm swamped. But of late, I realized it was a habit that was formed due to my personality and the dynamics of many of my relationships. I just tend to push myself to the limit.
To give context to this reflection - I had gone back to work today, 3 weeks after my hospitalization. But I had planned for it to be only about 2 hours, to supervise my intern, and that was it. But on hindsight, I underwent a lot of preparation just to go to work for 2 hours.
I had discussed and contemplated whether to do work from home and conduct an online supervision but I recognized that it would be difficult to maintain certain ethical standards if I were to work from home. So the best option was to go to the office.
Then I was faced with the decision on how to go work. Currently, I am only given the green light to drive around my neighbourhood to boost my confidence to drive again. So driving was out of the question. Should I call a Grab (a ride-sharing vehicle)? Then I realized that it is not feasible as it isn't cheap to use this service and my supervision fees would literally go to paying for my ride to work. So I decided that taking public transport would be the way to go. Not only has this been recommended by my physiotherapist as a form of permitted exercise, I also took into account that I am not allowed to carry anything heavier than 2.5kgs. So I ensured that my bag only had the bare necessities - i.e. wallet, kindle to read when I am in commute, a small water bottle, an umbrella and my medications. And always being mindful that I was carrying my bag correctly, straps on both shoulders instead of it being slung across one shoulder only. I had even intentionally planned for my supervision session to be at a certain hour, as it would not be a peak period of commuters to board the train, hence increasing my chances of finding a seat and avoiding the crowds. While I was preparing myself to go to work, I had to consider what to wear - no long-sleeves or clothes made out of thick material because the heat could be suffocating and my energy will drain quicker that way. As I had gained back a lot of weight due to thyroid problem, I had to ensure that the shirt I wore was not too restrictive of my range of movement, which may in turn injure me further.
Even with these precautions, I still experienced some pain at my affected area after returning from work, and my body was tired. And sometimes, when I am not 100% mindful of my body movements, I inadvertently injure myself. As I was closing up my office, I had absent-mindedly reached the door handle with my left (dominant) hand and pulled it, causing a sharp pain. While gasping from the pain, I immediately switched to my right hand to finish locking up, but the damage was already done.
I had related to a friend the pain I felt after coming home from work, who then decided to comment that she knows I am trying to be a hero... and I was really hurt by that comment. To me, it was such a callous remark. I had not told her the thought process I went through to be able to go to work for that two hours. She did not know the amount of energy I expended, days before, trying to consider options to adapt and be able to function minimally, without sabotaging my recovery.
At the end, I chose to give myself space to be upset without lashing out on said friend.
(Edit: I initiated a conversation with her when I knew I could respond in a healthy way, and not be too influenced by my emotions, and we managed to sort things out)
But it was also a painful reminder for me - that as a person with deteriorating health, it takes so much effort to engage in meaningful activities. I was just trying to go to work for 2 hours. But I spent more than 2 hours figuring out how to do just that. I had to carefully plan/adjust according to what I could feasibly do and to make the necessary arrangements. So really, I don't think I'm trying to be a superhero here. I am not acting on impulse. While reflecting on this, I realized one of the reasons why I've been suffering from insomnia these few nights - my mind has been fully occupied as I grapple with ideas to ensure that I don't hurt myself further while slowly getting back to some sense of normalcy.
On the surface level, a healthy person may not think much about going to work for two hours. But for a chronically ill person, even just being able to consider working for two hours takes a lot of effort. I am already trying really hard to set healthier boundaries and to find ways to care for myself, to not push myself too hard. Sometimes, even with all these precautions, my body may still suffer and experience the fatigue and pain. And the reason is because my body is already weak.
One of the reasons why I was inclined to push myself to my limit and develop a high threshold for pain is, if I stop myself from functioning everytime I experienced pain... I will likely be in bed for most of the day, without being able to engage meaningful with others. And this is not how I want to live my life. But I am honestly trying to carve out more healthy ways to function with intention. I just can't help that I suffer from chronic pain.
So my sincere plea to people out there who are healthy... your words bear a lot of weight. Please be mindful of the effort it takes for chronically ill people to function and to live meaningful lives. Please understand that many of us who are ill are faced with many obstacles to live normally and more often than not, the best options that we have carefully chosen for our health may still hurt us. Just because our body is broken and can be uncooperative.
So please pause before making any judgment calls on our behaviours. Your intentions may be well-meaning but it can be disempowering for us. Because we are trying. I am trying. You have no idea the unseen, background work that happens before we engage in certain activities. I try my best to count my spoons often. And it hurts when hurtful comments are carelessly tossed at me.
Please be compassionate towards our struggle, my struggle... because this is my reality.
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