Healthy Response

I realize for the most part, we are inclined to problem-solve when people share certain issues to us. In order to be/feel helpful, we may think it necessary to give our opinions or counsel to assist. 

I notice this tendency whenever I share my struggles (not limited to my journey with ill-health and pain) and people seem eager to provide suggestions (read: unsolicited advice) or they will point out what I did wrong that made me struggle more. Sometimes, depending on my energy and/or intimacy to said people, I may either just shut off and not share anymore, or I will take the time to express how and why those comments were unhelpful and what would be a better way to respond. If people truly mean to be supportive, they will actually take this to heart. 

I know what has hurt me the most is when people decide for themselves that they know more about my medical condition than I do, and proceed to tell me what to do. Or they will have certain far-fetched perceptions about my condition and they have "alternative" strategies for me to engage in and everything will be resolved.  

One interaction that I find to be REALLY helpful is when this is asked:

"Would you like me to be on problem-solving mode or to just give you the space to rant and for me to listen... or both?"

This was initiated by a dear friend and I really appreciate it. She doesn't assume that she knows what I need and she gives me the choice as to how she will support me. I want to emphasize that she doesn't interrupt me while I'm talking to ask this question either. She waits till there is a pause. Sometimes she forgets to ask this question and may start to problem-solve but she will then realize it and would apologize for not asking. But her active listening skills are so on-point that I already feel heard by her.  

What are active listening skills?

• looking at the person you're talking to
  (if this interaction is done online/text messaging, focus on the message)
• being fully present as you listen, don't be distracted by preparing what you're going to say in response 
• be patient and not interrupt
• paraphrasing what has been said to ensure accurate understanding
• empathizing with the person's emotions and experience
• being honest with own capabilities.
  (This is most important. I appreciate it when people tell me honestly that they don't know what to say/do in response, but that they are here for me. I value this more than someone pretending to know what to do and ending up making things worse) 

These are really helpful skills that would help you be present for others. More often than not, what is most helpful aren't the advice you can give... but your willingness to be there for someone when they are in pain, and to give them the space to express that struggle, that means a lot more.