Finding Footing

 

I've been feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'm bearing the weight of my family on my shoulders. And it made me realize that my family's disengagement and lack of involvement towards my parents health is contributing to me absorbing all the anxiety and responsibilities. 

Again, the Lord provided a space for me escape, although this time I was dragged into the drama quite abit due to the many calls I was receiving. But i'm also really thankful for a friend who was closeby, providing the comfort I needed through physical touch (my love language) and prayers. I felt bad because I had to deal with so many issues but both J and M were very gracious. 

While I was in the river, what drew my attention most were the raging waters - the forcefulness of it and the potential danger of being swept away. But navigating myself to and through those waters, and finding strong footholds for me to plant myself firmly against the beating of the waters reminded me of how I needed to find my footing in God. I've been beat up all over, to the point that I am spent - the sense of tak larat lagi. yet, when I was able to position myself safely, there was no fear of danger. 

That said, I feel like my body is giving out. It is taking extra effort to even breathe. I find myself having to use my inhaler more to ease my breathing. My chestpains are back with a vengence. Every muscle in my body seems to be aching. And I wonder if my pain threshold has lowered or my pain intensity has increased. My migraines are also overtaking me and yet, I am trying to push myself way beyond my capabilities to function because I'm the sole caregiver. I'm angry. Angry at the self-centredness and passiveness of my family. I realize I'm just trying to hold out until I get Safe Haven running or at least have it's foundations in place, then I will really be able to go. I honestly don't think I have much left in me. Lord, help me find my footing in You and that You will grant me the strength to carry out the work You have entrusted me with. Please provide me with the strength that is needed till I return Home.