Interestingly... just a day after writing the post about finding footing, I had to be hospitalized as my difficulty in breathing became unbearable. Tobe honest, during the eve of me being admitted to the hospital, I felt my resolve to fight for my life slipping away. I literally surrendered my life to God, that if He were to take me - I was ready. But after a few hours of disturbed sleep, I woke up and relented that it was not time yet for me to return Home. but two friends had contacted me, both suggesting that I needed to go to the hospital.
Long story short, I did go to the hospital and it triggered a series of events - which required my sisters to take action since I was incapacitated. after much testing, I was diagnosed to have a set of lungs that were only functioning at 64% capacity (a healthy person's lungs is at least 80% and above). The bronchoscopy indicated that my lungs were highly inflammed and weak, and my airways were occluded due to the thick phlegm and mucus in my lungs.
"You have asthma bronchitis and hyperventilation syndrome. This is not psychological. It is an actual medical condition and will require longterm management"
"It's good that you came in now, because this could turn fatal"
These were words that were uttered by the chest physician. Was I numb to yet another diagnosis? I think I was still trying to process that I was in the hospital for the 3rd time this year. and a conversation I had with Ann, that my vitals tend to show that things are fine but when we dig deeper, we tend to uncover that something is wrong with my body. And again, that hypothesis rang true.
While in the hospital, Jo reminded me of my reflection - that I was reminded to find footing in God, but she wondered if it was God's gracious plan to prepare me for this hospitalization and diagnosis - and not so much about having to deal with my parents/family.
Who knows... but definitely without God being my anchor... I would be really bitter with how things are. As I type this recollection, the song, "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" comes to mind. Specifically this particular verse:
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
It's been a trying year, Lord. A year that has taught me much about leaning hard on Him. It is no surprise that Matthew 11:28-30 has been coming again and again as a reminder for me to run to Him with my burdens.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Lord, as I gasped for air, please remind me that my breath comes from You and that I will heed Your Word and be directed by Your path.
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