When grieving will continue

This post is late, but in August I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism (it runs in my family). Although my family and I had suspected it before the blood test, receiving the formal diagnosis was hard for me. It was yet another health issue that I had to deal with. Again, this identity as a sick person kept coming to me. Grief came over me. My family didn't understand why I was upset but I allowed myself to cry.

And to fast forward to recent days, I was informed by the neurosurgeon that my Moyamoya vessels are still evident in my MRA which suggests that I am still not safe from suffering any stroke attacks. Also, he mentioned that I have to give up my dreams of learning scuba diving, bungee jumping and sky-diving. I know that my condition has no cure and it is progressive but it was another painful period of grief. 

After the hospital appointment, I just sat in my car and cried. In my head, I thought of just going home and crawling into bed, not wanting to do anything. But I had a muaythai trial class that day.. after some reflection, I felt that life still goes on and I can try to live it meaningfully while being careful not to strain myself.

What came to me was that my grieving process will come up time and again as my disease progresses. And I will continue to experience losses and I will grieve. I am ready for that? maybe not, but I have learnt not to dwell on it. Do I wish things were different - that I was fit and healthy. Sure I do, but again wanting to live life now the best I can and be the person I want to be. I feel I am more authentic and real now, without hiding my emotions and pretending that things are great when they aren't. But being able to accept my struggles and continue doing things that are important to me. 

Looking at Healing

Recently I met a wise lady who got to know about my health condition and she asked if she could pray for me. In her prayer, she prayed for healing for me... and for some reason, I felt compelled to tell her that I have stopped praying for physical healing as I believe there is a reason for this disease and how I can serve God even when I struggle with this illness.

Needless to say, her response shook my heart as she said she understood that I have come to terms with the disease, that it is here to stay. But "healing comes in many forms". She was also praying for my spiritual healing, my emotional healing, my psychological healing. It struck me that I have been thinking of healing in such a limited way...

As I look back at my journey, my struggle and my pain with this disease, I see how God has brought me through it all. Definitely, I still hurt. It's still a challenge, but my focus has changed to looking to God for strength instead of stubbornly depending on myself.

Truly, if not for this disease, I would not have been humbled and broken. Desperately needing God and His comfort and grace. It's through this illness that I am able to see God's Love and providence.

Thank You, Lord for the healing that you have granted me, even when I didn't realize it. And thank You for revealing this to me.

Defining strength and courage

When I was younger, I always pictured a person with courage and strength as a person who was physically strong who was victorious always without any weaknesses or limitations. So with that image in mind, I pushed myself to be that picture of strength and courage. To always be fine, never faltering when trials came.

Well, what broke me was when I could not push myself anymore to do that. To hide my flaws or keep a smile plastered on my face. My disease was really hurting me and bringing to light my limitations. I had to face my flaws upfront. And it was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.

But as I journey on... I began to learn that I will never be perfect. I am just kidding myself. Only when I was honest with myself, that I was able to manage my depression and my expectation of myself. And now, as I reflect... courage is facing my flaws without avoiding it. And strength is accepting my limitations, and working with it without giving up. 

I still am tempted to push myself too hard. Sometimes I do have the urge to prove my worth. But then I am reminded that it's OK to be me. I want to love myself now. Old Self was nice... but New Me is developing leaps and bounds. I feel New Me is learning to explore parts of Old Self that Old Self would never have wanted to look into because Old Self was comfortable.  

So I feel New Me has discovered new characteristics which has made her stronger and more courageous. By being vulnerable and honest with herself. Thank you, New Me. Thank you for not giving up. 

life-giving moments

"Remember to initiate life-giving moments..."

These wise words are spoken by a person I have so much respect for. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be given space to be myself - to grieve a recent development of my Moyamoya disease, to be deeply connected with friends and people that I just got to know in the past 6 days.

Life-giving moments.

I wonder how that looks like. Sometimes it feels ironic to think about life-giving moments when I am reminded daily about my incurable disease - my scars, my bruises, my symptoms, my pain... But as I continue to reflect why I am still given the chance to live, I realize how I can touch others just by being real with my struggle. I was very blessed to have people affirm me the past 5 days. It has been unreal as I never really thought of how my actions may affect people. If you asked me 5 years ago if I would be so honest with my limits and weakness, I would have laughed at you. But I see how God has been by my side and given me the strength to hang in there.

To be honest, I still struggle at times. And I am still considering what options I should take if things go south. Do I continue to undergo surgeries? I spoke to this wise friend, telling her that I lose a part of myself every time I underwent my brain surgeries. Am I ready to continue losing parts of myself, my functioning? What is God's Will for me? How do I continue to glorify Him in all my experiences? Would it be selfish to decide to stop treatments, to let my life take its course and to go Home when it is time? I am ready to go Home, but I am mindful not to wish myself death as there is much that I can do while I am here.

Still... this song comes to mind - My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness. I am thankful for the friends who have been supportive. I am thankful for the safe space to be real. I am thankful for the God who loves me unconditionally and is preparing a place for me in His Kingdom. I am thankful for God granting me opportunities to share His Love.

My Heart Is Filled With Thankfulness

“My heart is filled with thankfulness

To Him who bore my pain;

Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace

And gave me life again;

Who crushed my curse of sinfulness

And clothed me in His light

And wrote His law of righteousness

With pow’r upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To Him who walks beside;

Who floods my weaknesses with strength

And causes fears to fly;

Whose ev’ry promise is enough

For ev’ry step I take,

Sustaining me with arms of love

And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To him who reigns above,

Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,

Whose ev’ry thought is love.

For ev’ry day I have on earth

Is given by the King;

So I will give my life, my all,

To love and follow him.”

yet another diagnosis

I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I suspected it 2 week ago, but only managed to get my blood test done last week. Received my results today.. and it was positive. I have hyperthyroidism - along with my 2nd and 3rd sister.

It sucks. It really does. I had been anticipating it.. But when I got the confirmation today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It became real. My family doesn't understand why I am upset about it...

but it's my 4th diagnosis. It really does something to my psyche. my 4th.. how many people have 4 diagnoses in their life? why am I still alive? I don't understand how my body is still functioning when i have issues with my brain, my heart and now my thyroid.

I'm grieving because there doesn't seem to be an end to my illness. Please help me, Lord. I don't know what Your plan is.. and i'm really very tired. Why can't i just go home? I would prefer that. but at this point, i'm thinking of Paul saying he would live for Your glory. I don't know how I can use this for Your glory.. but please give me strength..

Listen to your body

I think this message comes through a lot. We really need to listen to our body because it will tell us something is wrong.

So there has been a lot going at home.. and I'll fallen ill - cough, sorethroat, flu.. the works. Haven't been sleeping well cough I'm hacking my lungs out. so even in the day time, i'm exhausted. I can see how this is a vicious cycle because I'm pushing myself to do things and its weakening my already weakened brain and body.

Anyway, i'm currently having this really intense pain on my shoulders, chest and back.. it literally feels like i have this huge weight on my shoulders that I'm bearing. Talk about psychosomatic symptoms. I've been trying to sleep it off, but it still really painful.

I really need to listen to my body. I need to take a break. Like a real one. real soon.

illness and caregiving

Having neuro-fatigue and migraines often makes it hard for me to work. And now, with me trying to do my part as a caregiver for my parents, it is even more challenging. 

It is hard enough trying to manage my own pain and weariness, but I feel the need to push past this struggle in order to do my part as a daughter. I realize my body is taking the brunt of my efforts as I've fallen ill (cough and flu) and it makes me even more exhausted than before. 

I think what's tough is that my condition is invisible, hence I am expected to buck up. What if my condition was evident? To be honest, I think I push myself a whole lot more too because I feel I can't prove that my condition is not all that great. 

I'm just drained right now. It's March and I'm already feeling burned out. Not good. I just wish I had answers but this is my learning curve, i guess.

Praying for wisdom, strength and rest.

setting boundaries

It's been 3+ years since my surgeries... and there has been changes to my lifestyle. I have had to learn to let go of my workaholic ways... to slow down... to not multitask as my brain takes up more effort to filter out distractions and for me to concentrate on what is needed.. to be assertive with what I am comfortable with and to learn to say no.

It's been 3+ years... and I still get scolded by my parents who expect more out of me even though I have tried and tested my own boundaries.. I've pushed myself so hard in the past post-surgeries to return to "normal" that I ended up in the hospital because my body just couldn't take the strain of doing what I used to do.

I have learnt a very hard lesson last year as I came to terms with my limitations and now I know what I can do and what I can't. It's hard when my family thinks that I am using my limitations as an excuse to not meeting their expectations. I don't even ask for them to sacrifice anything to meet my needs.

I now work part-time.. and i choose to do my work in my room... and my family has a problem with it. They aren't accepting of the work-from-home and the work-in-the-room idea. I choose to do so because my parents... being retirees, spend a lot of time watching TV at the living area (where they are expecting me to work). This means I would have to take more time filtering out the noise and trying to pay attention to my work. Which is easily solved by me just working in my room. It's my preference. But i'm told that my preference indicates i'm spoilt and that i'm using it as excuse to be weak. And they compare me with others who can easily do their work in the midst of noise.

It is really hurtful when I hear these words... were they not there at the times I've pushed myself so hard that I ended up hurting myself and causing my recovery process to be stalled? It took a lot from me to be able to set proper limits to ensure that I did not abuse myself just to prove I am "normal". And now I am trying to engage in behaviors that preserve my health, not to please people. And unfortunately, my own family is not supportive and expects me to live the way THEY want me to. Even now, sometimes sometimes I also question myself if I'm slacking off.. and then I forget my limits and I would push myself to work harder/longer hours... and my body reacts to it - I end up struggling with awful migraines and my chest pains will return. And I remind myself that really, I have gone past my current ability and I try to slow down again or to rest.

sigh... this really sucks. I know I am still going to struggle with putting my foot down. I just wished my family knew living with this body is not easy for me either.

milestones

Yet another surgery anniversary. My 3rd - in remembering how life was so tough for me after my surgeries, but God has seen me through my struggles.

I decided to take a look at my post from a year ago to see if there are any changes in my perspective. To be honest, I can't remember who said this to me and I had honestly forgotten about this. But these words are one of the wisest things someone has said to me. I'm sorry I can't remember who encouraged me with these words... but this was said:

"Don't feel guilty if you're too sick to do things. You have value simply because you are, even if you cannot be 'productive' in the way to which you were accustomed. Learn to cherish your very existence".

Last year was a tough year for me to learn acceptance about who I am now post-surgeries. I struggled and wrestled hard with God as I didn't understand what His Will was for me. I had difficulty liking "New Me" because I felt she was weak. I challenged New Me a lot as I kept wishing that she would just be like "Old Self". I couldn't connect with the statement above. I couldn't value who I was, simply because of who I am. I felt I had to prove the worth of my existence. I couldn't treasure who I was for just being me.

I'm thankful for the past year that God has provided different people to enter into my life to journey alongside me. There were people who still cherished me for me, not for what I could do. Of course, there would always be people who would pull me down as well, but I am thankful for the few who helped remind me that I matter as a person and that my productivity level did not define who I am.

"Why did God give me the heart to serve but not the body to go with it?". 

That was the question that I posed to God after my surgeries when I found that I faced great difficulty functioning even just on a daily basis. I am now convicted that He has answered my prayers and pleas. No doubt, God has affirmed me that I really do have a heart to serve others and to help them in times of need. I no longer doubt or am concerned that it may be due to pride or wanting to show off. However, all along I've had certain expectations and ideals - that I need to have the fittest body to be able to love and serve others. And I was angry that I didn't have that body, because in my mind I felt that having a very good healthy body would be the best way to serve. Makes sense, no?

But as I continued to wrestle with this question throughout the year 2017, I realized God was creating a paradigm shift in me. He was helping me re-prioritize what is important. It's been a long and tiring journey, but I realize now (and need to be reminded at times) that my worth isn't tied to what I do. But that I AM already precious in His sight. Exactly what was told to me last year but I couldn't believe it. What was important to God was that I drew close to Him and deepen my relationship with Him. When I decided to listen to Him by trusting and taking that step of obedience in really reflecting inwardly and being honest with my pride, I started to see how God was working in my life. I now no longer fear that He will judge and punish me because I am not doing "more" like what I used to. 

Today, I am convicted that God did not abandon me. That it was no mistake that I have this broken body. God allowed for me to discover and to live with this diseased body because I can STILL love others and reach out to them using this broken body. It is because of my painful experiences that I can better empathize and connect with others who may be struggling with illness. In the past, I desperately tried to cling on to what I thought was good - my old, seemingly fitter body. But looking back now, my Old Self would not be able to relate with people in pain because I was too busy trying to appear strong. New Me was vulnerable and in pain. And New Me could empathize and be accepting a lot more with the struggles of others. I learnt to embrace my emotions, my tears and my fears... and to surrender them all to my Father in Heaven.  God has helped me see that this current body is best suited to reach out to people out there who struggle with illness... the people who feel lost and alone in trying to cope with pain. I can comfort them because I've experienced it myself. I still do sometimes... but what gives me hope and comfort is that I know God really is with me every step of the way, and I have friends who will encourage me during difficult moments.

One of the major things I struggled with was also the feeling of me missing out. I am in my 30s, I had to come to terms that I couldn't work full time anymore.. and it was difficult for me to volunteer for crisis relief efforts (one of the things I'm passionate about) because I always had to consider the limits of my health. But now I realize that there are different ways for me to serve. Would I still like to go into the mission field... for sure! but maybe there are other avenues of which I can be of service. And maybe there may be other opportunities for me to go in... opportunities that may not require me to kill myself to be able to help. This has helped me to learn to identify what my limits are and to say no as well.

So... do I have the heart to love? Without a doubt!
Do I have the body to be able to love others? Yes. I believe that now. My body isn't "strong", but my vulnerable body is able to reach out to others who are feeling vulnerable as well. This IS the body that can love others, even with its imperfections... ESPECIALLY with its imperfections... :)