milestones

Yet another surgery anniversary. My 3rd - in remembering how life was so tough for me after my surgeries, but God has seen me through my struggles.

I decided to take a look at my post from a year ago to see if there are any changes in my perspective. To be honest, I can't remember who said this to me and I had honestly forgotten about this. But these words are one of the wisest things someone has said to me. I'm sorry I can't remember who encouraged me with these words... but this was said:

"Don't feel guilty if you're too sick to do things. You have value simply because you are, even if you cannot be 'productive' in the way to which you were accustomed. Learn to cherish your very existence".

Last year was a tough year for me to learn acceptance about who I am now post-surgeries. I struggled and wrestled hard with God as I didn't understand what His Will was for me. I had difficulty liking "New Me" because I felt she was weak. I challenged New Me a lot as I kept wishing that she would just be like "Old Self". I couldn't connect with the statement above. I couldn't value who I was, simply because of who I am. I felt I had to prove the worth of my existence. I couldn't treasure who I was for just being me.

I'm thankful for the past year that God has provided different people to enter into my life to journey alongside me. There were people who still cherished me for me, not for what I could do. Of course, there would always be people who would pull me down as well, but I am thankful for the few who helped remind me that I matter as a person and that my productivity level did not define who I am.

"Why did God give me the heart to serve but not the body to go with it?". 

That was the question that I posed to God after my surgeries when I found that I faced great difficulty functioning even just on a daily basis. I am now convicted that He has answered my prayers and pleas. No doubt, God has affirmed me that I really do have a heart to serve others and to help them in times of need. I no longer doubt or am concerned that it may be due to pride or wanting to show off. However, all along I've had certain expectations and ideals - that I need to have the fittest body to be able to love and serve others. And I was angry that I didn't have that body, because in my mind I felt that having a very good healthy body would be the best way to serve. Makes sense, no?

But as I continued to wrestle with this question throughout the year 2017, I realized God was creating a paradigm shift in me. He was helping me re-prioritize what is important. It's been a long and tiring journey, but I realize now (and need to be reminded at times) that my worth isn't tied to what I do. But that I AM already precious in His sight. Exactly what was told to me last year but I couldn't believe it. What was important to God was that I drew close to Him and deepen my relationship with Him. When I decided to listen to Him by trusting and taking that step of obedience in really reflecting inwardly and being honest with my pride, I started to see how God was working in my life. I now no longer fear that He will judge and punish me because I am not doing "more" like what I used to. 

Today, I am convicted that God did not abandon me. That it was no mistake that I have this broken body. God allowed for me to discover and to live with this diseased body because I can STILL love others and reach out to them using this broken body. It is because of my painful experiences that I can better empathize and connect with others who may be struggling with illness. In the past, I desperately tried to cling on to what I thought was good - my old, seemingly fitter body. But looking back now, my Old Self would not be able to relate with people in pain because I was too busy trying to appear strong. New Me was vulnerable and in pain. And New Me could empathize and be accepting a lot more with the struggles of others. I learnt to embrace my emotions, my tears and my fears... and to surrender them all to my Father in Heaven.  God has helped me see that this current body is best suited to reach out to people out there who struggle with illness... the people who feel lost and alone in trying to cope with pain. I can comfort them because I've experienced it myself. I still do sometimes... but what gives me hope and comfort is that I know God really is with me every step of the way, and I have friends who will encourage me during difficult moments.

One of the major things I struggled with was also the feeling of me missing out. I am in my 30s, I had to come to terms that I couldn't work full time anymore.. and it was difficult for me to volunteer for crisis relief efforts (one of the things I'm passionate about) because I always had to consider the limits of my health. But now I realize that there are different ways for me to serve. Would I still like to go into the mission field... for sure! but maybe there are other avenues of which I can be of service. And maybe there may be other opportunities for me to go in... opportunities that may not require me to kill myself to be able to help. This has helped me to learn to identify what my limits are and to say no as well.

So... do I have the heart to love? Without a doubt!
Do I have the body to be able to love others? Yes. I believe that now. My body isn't "strong", but my vulnerable body is able to reach out to others who are feeling vulnerable as well. This IS the body that can love others, even with its imperfections... ESPECIALLY with its imperfections... :)