Learning Acceptance bit by bit

As the title suggests, I've been working through my frustration and issues having to live with Moyamoya. I had a long day of activity yesterday, and I ended up crashing. What I realized was that instead of getting angry and punishing myself mentally for yet another severe migraine and chest pain episode, I had told myself that I pushed myself a bit too far and need to be more careful.

I think its been quite a journey for me to really accept my limitations. I know I wrote a post some time back about accepting who I am now but to be honest, it was a HUGE struggle. I struggled with staying positive, showing a brave face and expecting me to function WAY over my ability/energy level. Needless to say that sent me down a downward spiral.

It's only after accepting that there will be differences in my life and that is OK to grieve about losing my old self and having to rediscover my new self that helped me engage in more realistic behaviors. Do I still feel incompetent, like I need to prove myself? Yeah, sometimes I still do. But i'm trying to be more gracious to myself too. To tell myself that life isn't easy, it sucks, but that's where I am right now.

Something I've been learning is also to identify what my values are and what is important to me. I've had to acknowledge that I can no longer adopt a child (something that I've always dreamt of doing as an adult), nor can I work full-time. I've grieved over the fact that there are some ambitions that will go unfulfilled due to my current state. But in the midst of finding myself again, I've found new pathways as well. Things I never thought I would do but opportunities are revealing itself to me. I still value connection and doing good for the community, so instead of doing what I used to do, I now connect with people who may be struggling with illness, and I still try to advocate for people with special needs through the talks that I conduct.

My life though exhausting and discouraging at times, I find not so bleak anymore. Making meaning after struggling through my illness has helped me be more focused and hopeful. I just hope that in your journey, you too can give yourself space to wrestle with your struggle and to find meaning again.