Yesterday marked the 9th year anniversary of my 2nd brain surgery. It's amazing how time flies even though sometimes the daily challenges seems so long and drawn out.
The topic of health, life, death and struggle came up today as I had lunch with a friend. And I shared with her my journey thus far - me wrestling with depression post-surgeries, the survivor guilt that I experience when other people I know pass away within a short(er) duration of their illnesses, and sometimes I just wonder what else is in store for me as I continue to add more health problems to my "collection". And yet here I still am, albeit looking a little more worse for wear at times.
During this conversation, I recalled my blogpost where I spoke to myself in the 3rd person - Old Self and New Me. This time, when I reread the post, I realized that having to let go of Old Self doesn't hurt as much as it did back then. In some ways, I have come to acknowledge that I will grieve for the departure of Old Self - the energetic, athletic Old Self that had no pause button. As I reflect on Old Self - yes, there were things I liked about her, the fake-it-till-you-make-it confidence, how Old Self pretty much showed her strengths all the freaking-tiring time and rarely faltered. But these were very much facades - performances that I was taught from young to act a certain way due to the status of my family and certain misguided understanding of how being "more than conquerers" and "being victorious" was supposed to look like.
I know I gave New Me a hard time when she emerged out of necessity. But as I have come to know her more and more each year - I've begun to see her worth. In fact, I recognize that:
*New Me has given me space to be vulnerable,
*New Me helped me realize that I don't need to feel/act strong all the time,
*New Me taught me to be more assertive and have better boundaries because I would suffer whenever Old Self insisted to push me to function when I can't/shouldn't.
*New Me helped me to connect better with myself, with God and with others. Hence, New Me has helped me be more authentic in my relational, emotional, psychological and spiritual walk.
*New Me taught me to be gracious, patient and compassionate.
*New Me made me realize that I truly cannot live without God, and all my strength comes from Him and not from me.
*New Me pulled down a lot of the walls I put up and to be ok with asking for help. It also helps that God provided me the support that I needed in the form of loving friends, amidst others who may not be as understanding.
*New Me taught me to slow down, to learn to be, and not get too caught up with just doing
*New Me improved Old Self's innate ability to be reflective and sensitive to others to be more self-aware, hence taking action to meet my needs and not just for people around me.
*New Me helped me to design a workshop on emotional regulation for teenage girls, derived from the lessons I've learnt from New Me's struggle. Something Old Self would not have had the maturity to process and share.
I know New Me will continue to evolve in some ways as my chronic illness journey continues but it doesn't seem as bleak as before. What felt shameful in the past feels like a lesson I can share with others now. Interestingly, I came across this quote by Henri Nouwen recently and I resonated so much with it.
This quote also reminds me of the angry question I posed to God in my earlier struggle with illness and limitations - "Why did God give me the heart to serve but not the body to go with it?" I believe I have the answer now. The answer is that God did give me body to match this heart to serve. I needed this broken body. This kintsugi-ed body was required to connect better with myself, others and with Him, to serve more genuinely with His Strength and Will, and me not taking any credit for it, because it is truly by God's Grace that things have been possible amidst and despite my limitations.
His power is made perfect in my frailty and weakness (2 Corinthians 12:19)
Old Self, I love you. You were there for nearly 30 years of my life so I know that although some parts of you have had to leave, the memory of you and some parts of you will always remain in me but I will long for you as a whole once a while. And that's OK. You had your usefulness back then. I know I will miss the part of you that can work full time and function for hours like an energizer bunny with little physical consequences and I appreciated the grit and stubbornness that you provided me back then but it wasn't very helpful anymore, not all the time anyway. So, Old Self, you're not fully gone. There are things that I'd like to retain from you, Old Self. Your problem-solving skills, determination, cheekiness and wit, your musical ear, and most of all, your heart for others. You're gungho but you'll need to collaborate with New Me so she doesn't suffer. So I don't suffer. I accept that you will pop your head in once a while, but we'll compromise.
I am also learning to be less hard on myself, to be less hard on you, Old Self, when your unhelpful tendencies such as pride and perfectionism emerge, because change is hard but it is happening. slowly but surely. So New Me, please continue to bear with me. I love you too. And thank you for never giving up on me even though we've gone through really difficult moments. Please continue to help me to live meaningfully and intentionally.
I know this seems weird as I was inspired to create this cover when I was attending a grief workshop back in 2020. But I think I truly understand the personal impact this song has for me now as I've had to work out my grief and loss with Old Self. So in a sense, this song was really dedicated to myself, not to anyone else. It was a way of me trying to come to terms with saying goodbye to Old Self.
I can't seem to embed/attach an audio file to blogpost, so unfortunately I can't show my cover version of this song. so the lyrics will just have to do.
Take Care of Yourself
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