I found myself shocked and, dare I say, fearful about two things today. I've typically been able to find a way to just deal with the consequences of my ill health. I've experienced quite a lot of frustration and anger... but honestly, not so much a sense of surprise or fear.
My first big (to me) realization: Ever since my brain surgeries, I've noticed a decline in word recall, especially when I'm tired (read: exhausted). I find myself struggling with this issue even more ever since my recent hospitalization in December, and I wonder if it's due to the medications I'm taking.
I had a conversation with a dear friend about dissociations today, with both of us believing that dissociations are one of the ways for us to cope with overwhelming events, and that it only becomes harmful/is an issue when it impairs our functioning. So far, I've been thinking that my "dissociations" are just my ability to compartmentalize and to distract myself from painful stimuli. However, I discovered that I had a few texts with another friend that I have no memory of, whatsoever. Granted, I had taken my sleeping pills by then but honestly, this freaked me out a little - due to the fact that my thoughts in those recorded moments appeared lucid but it feels like an out of body experience now that I look at it. While I've experienced the drowsiness from the meds many times, it was always obvious that I was "out of it", and I'd have typos galore or my sentences may not make much sense. But this time, reading my own messages felt strange and foreign. Am I literally beginning to lose my mind? I find myself struggling to form sentences many times and my working memory/short-term memory is poor, to a point that my sister jokes about my need for dementia meds. I'm only able to remember things when I mindfully repeat them over and over again, and when I note them down several times. Could it be due to my continued poor sleep, despite the consumption of sleeping pills?
Second thought: I'm inhaling really deeply just to be able to breathe. I mean... I've said this to myself and to others without much feeling the past few weeks. But today, when I listened carefully to a video I had taken playfully of a friend, I heard myself panting. I could hear myself attempting to breathe. Again, I turned it into a joke - my coping mechanism is 100% on - that I sounded like a predator. But truth be told, it shocked me that my health has come to this. I don't know why. Is it finally dawning on me the state of my health? I'm very much a do-er, and frankly, I've not stopped since returning from my hospital hiatus. I've still been experiencing chest pains, tingling and aches in my arms, and I've been having migraine attacks.
On one hand, I recognize that I need rest but on the other hand I feel the sense of urgency and responsibility to spend time and to check in with loved ones, and to serve. Even writing this post, I've had to stop several times to retrieve words that just feel slightly beyond my cognitive reach at times, and I'm painfully aware of the heaviness in my chest and head. At this point, I'm not dissociating but the reality is hard to acknowledge as well. It's my grief journey that I have to contend with again. And it suddenly feels lonely, even though I do truly believe that God is with me.
Lord, please grant me peace even as my body begins to fail... As i type this, a tune flashed in my mind. However, I had to take some time to google the song lyrics as I could only recall a few words. But thankfully I have found it, and it feels appropriate to end my current reflection wit this hymn.. I pray that even if my memory begins to fail, I will not forget the love and sacrifice Christ had made over 2000 years ago in order to reconcile me back to my Abba Father. I pray that I will always remember that Jesus is my Saviour and Lord...
According to Thy gracious word,
In meek humility,
This will I do, my dying Lord,
I will remember Thee.
Thy body, broken for my sake,
My bread from heaven shall be;
Thy testamental cup I take,
And thus remember Thee.
Gethsemane can I forget?
Or there Thy conflict see,
Thine agony and bloody sweat,
And not remember Thee?
When to the cross I turn mine eyes
And rest on Calvary,
O Lamb of God, my sacrifice,
I must remember Thee-
Remember Thee and all Thy pains
And all Thy love to me;
Yea, while a breath, a pulse remains,
I will remember Thee.
And when these failing lips grow dumb
And mind and memory flee,
When Thou shalt in Thy kingdom come,
Jesus, remember me.
