A Tale of Old Self and New Me

It's been about three years since I received the news that I have a disease called Moyamoya Disease - a diagnosis that drastically changed my life. I wish I was exaggerating, but no... this condition has really thrown me into a loop and made me struggle with things that I had previously taken for granted (i.e. the ability to multitask, to work full time, to read deep/technical books and be able to process the information, etc).

Does it get easier as time passes? To be honest, I'm still adapting. I'm still learning to accept the way things are now. I think I struggle a lot because I really LIKED my Old Self. I felt strong, secure, confident, talented and able. Old Self was an identity I was familiar and comfortable with. All that crumbled when I found myself no longer able to do what I loved doing. It may seem weird, but I felt betrayed by Old Self. Why did Old Self leave me? Why did it have to happen this way? There were so many things I wanted to do. There was so much I had to offer. Personally, I don't think I'm a selfish person. I've always wanted to contribute to society with my talents and my abilities. But E.V.E.R.Y effort I made now was pain-staking. Just trying to stay alert the whole day to engage in activities became a battle I had to fight. Most days, it felt like I had to whip out the white flag and admit defeat. I had to wrestle with the "New Me", challenge her boundaries and push her to be more like Old Self. Believe me, I'm naturally hard on myself. So I'd be miserable with New Me - forcing her to buck up and to perform better. And when New Me was miserable, I was miserable. Because I AM New Me! The problem was... there were times Old Self may show glimpses of herself which made me think that hey, maybe I can coerce her to stay and chain her so she would never leave. But deep down, I had that sinking feeling that this was no longer a conducive environment for Old Self to live in.

And then I knew (I will admit that till now there are times I may be in denial of this).

I have to let Old Self go...

I'm terrible at saying goodbyes. One, I'm a sentimental person. Two, well... I knew Old Self a whole lot better than this New Me. And I do struggle with the fear of the unknown, so I don't really like sitting with uncertainty. So to be honest, I haven't actually said my proper goodbyes.

It's been three years. I'm still getting acquainted to New Me - I've cried over New Me's "inadequacies", congratulated New Me's triumphs in the little things, bargained with New Me over the ability to engage in certain activities, etc.

New Me is my frenemy.

I'm beginning to accept her but sometimes I just don't understand her all that well. And that... scares me. But what I do know is that she is here to stay and I need to learn to live with her. I realize that fighting her continuously would just make me furious and uncontented. I also realized that I was so adamant in pointing out New Me's shortcomings and faults, that at times I failed to acknowledge the blessings she could bring to the table. Sometimes, I noticed those blessings and how it encouraged others, but it was easier to forget or dismiss them because I just wanted Old Self back. It was easier to reject New Me because I just didn't like what she represented. Sometimes, people assumed I was less capable because of my affiliation to New Me. Sometimes, people stopped calling/inviting me to participate in certain things because New Me is my constant companion. Sometimes, I'm excluded from discussions or conversations maybe because they felt that New Me is taking up all my time. Sometimes, people would tell me to buck up and break up with New Me, and just be with Old Self. I wish they knew how much I wanted that... but it's not possible because Old Self has left and I need to moved on. Always, these incidences and comments hurt even though I am aware that they come from good intentions.

New Me, I'm sorry for being so hard on you and not liking you very much. I know you wouldn't have wanted things to happen this way either. It's been a huge struggle for you as well. I'm sorry for denying your existence and pushing you away when all you wanted to do was adapt to this new situation. I like you more now though I am aware that I'm still quite impatient with you at times. I know God has put you in my life for a reason although I don't really know what it is. It's still going to be a challenging journey but I hope that as time goes on, I can fully accept and appreciate you for who you are and not who I want you to be. Please be patient with me...