It's an extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable position for me to be in. Don't know if i'm being hypersensitive, but I notice changes in how people relate or interact with me. One thing I do notice is the awkwardness some people have with me - not knowing what to say or do. I don't blame them for that because sometimes I don't know how to manage myself. One thing that upsets me is that I feel disempowered. I realize it's my fault as well that I'm not assertive.
A very wise friend told me that for change to happen... I needed to do three things...
1. be aware of my feelings (check)
2. be aware how my feelings affect me (check)
3. be able to express to people my needs (this.. I have difficulty doing)
I've always been rather a pushover. Saying No has been a tough journey for me though I'm slowly making some progress in being aware of my limitations.. But telling people what I need is a tremendous struggle. Sometimes I think it's super hard because I feel unworthy of help. That me just asking for help would be a source of burden to others. Would I think this if someone asked for help? Definitely not. But somehow, I find myself believing that I am insignificant.
Passivity seems to be overtaking my functioning. Maybe it's my depression setting back in again. I just feel sucky and helpless. Maybe I need to do some motivational interviewing on myself. sigh.
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