a mixture of happiness and sadness

I apologize for not posting anything for quite a while. Things have been happening and I've just been going with the flow while trying to adapt to changes. Quite a bit to take in but hanging in there.

As I write this, I am experienced mixed emotions. So maybe I'll separate my sharing to good news and challenging news.

Good news

1. Good news is, the myochardial ischemia that I was diagnosed with is currently considered not as bad. I do however have spasms that occur in my heart whenever I overextend my capabilities. So i'm still not out of the weeds, but its better than having to deal with a permanent blocked heart artery.

2. As of today, I've managed to perform 5 gigs (1 wedding and 4 in restaurants). I've another wedding gig coming in Dec. Who would have thought that I'll get paid playing musical instruments. But again, I know it's a door opened by God. I probably may not have considered doing this if I was busy with my clinical work... but since now I have difficulty practising as a clinician. Hey, new avenue to earn money, and also it's a great self-care exercise for me too.

3. I'm heading to Nepal to conduct training. Yup, I'm heading back to Nepal... the place where I suffered a minor stroke previously. But lesson learned - i'm not going to kill myself working. I know I need to be more mindful about giving myself rest. I know it will be pretty challenging. But yeah.. learning to adapt to my new self that can't continue working for more than 2-3 hours at a time. it sucks, but that's reality. Just glad I am still given these opportunities to serve though.

Now... to the Bad News

1. you'd think that after 2 years of surgery, your family would understand how my pain would be like. and that when I'm hit by my migraines, it's not a gesture to attract attention. But unfortunately... my parents think that I "display" my pain in order for them to pity me. It's hurtful when these statements come out of my parents' mouth. I don't actually always complain whenever I'm in pain. In fact, when my parents are away, I leave out the details of my migraine attacks because I don't want them to worry. But the fact that they turn it around, and conclude that I am actually OK when they are not around (because I didn't tell them about my migraine episodes)... is really terrible. It pisses me, off to be frank. 

Dear families/caregivers... please know that we may still suffer pain from time to time. We don't tell you about it just to get your pity. we tell you because we hope you can be supportive. Sometimes we may be in pain and we don't tell you because we don't want you to worry. So don't just assume that we are ok and crying wolf when we do tell you what's going on.

anyway.. i know I'm ranting because I'm deeply hurt at the moment. But yeah.. please consider my words. It sucks when our brain feels like its going to explode. It doesn't help us when you say we display our pain to you because we want your pity.