First Anniversary

Time has flown past and today marks the first year anniversary of my first brain surgery (wow, that was a mouthful).

I honestly don't know where time went as it felt as though it wasn't too long ago when I was wheeled into the operation theatre for my first bypass. Anyway, I thought that it would be good to do some reflection of how things have been and the lessons I'm still trying to learn from this experience.

Thanksgiving
First of all, I want to give thanks to God that He has brought me through this ordeal. I do still struggle with my health now, but the fact that I survived two brain surgeries is something I am grateful for. I'm also very thankful to my immediate family who had taken care of me while I was in the hospital and when I was recuperating from the surgery. I've definitely not forgotten my bestfriend, Jessie, who made daily visitations after work while I was still in my hospital bed. My aunt from Australia flew back to Malaysia to provide support to my family as well. I'm touched by the loving gestures, prayers and kind wishes that everyone had showered upon me - by colleagues, my church members and also friends from all over the world. It really did teach me that we don't live in isolation, and family/social support is so important when we are going through really difficult times.

Bravery
"You're so brave" was something that I heard a lot from people. To be honest, I'm not but I could never really explain why I felt that way. Yes, I went through two brain surgeries, but I did it because it was necessary. It wasn't until recently when I read Malcolm Gladwell's "David and Goliath" book, that helped put words to my perception that I haven't actually been brave about this experience.

“Courage is not something that you already have that makes you brave when the tough times start. Courage is what you earn when you’ve been through the tough times and you discover they aren’t so tough after all.” ~ Malcolm Gladwell.

If someone were to tell me 5 years ago that I would have to undergo brain surgeries, I'd probably freak out. But when it dawned on me last year that I needed the brain surgeries to survive, I went on with it. Courage emerged from being in that situation. I have to say that I disagree with the last part of this quote. Tough times are really tough. I wouldn't dismiss it as not being so tough after all. Undergoing two brain surgeries was difficult and it took a toll on me for some time. Sometimes it still does and I'm still adjusting to it. But was the experience impossible to go through? No.

What granted me courage really was my Christian faith, as it helped me seek refuge in my God. I had many Bible verses that were close to heart as I prepared for surgery. They were mostly from Psalms.
Psalms 53:3-4 "When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God whose word I praise. In God I trust and am not afraid..."
Psalms 121

Empathy
This experience has helped me empathize and understand others who are going through a tough time due to diseases/illnesses. I have to say that I'm a lot more understanding with others than with myself as I am aware that I push myself hard to get better - which I have to emphasize is not healthy, as I'm not allowing my body sufficient rest it needs. Having to go through this challenging time helped me understand suffering and how resilience can emerge - bearing in mind that everyone suffers differently and will cope differently.

Acceptance
Having this rare disease and undergoing surgeries have led me to make changes in my lifestayle and to be aware of my limitations. I think one of the hardest lessons that I'm still trying to learn is to accept myself for who I am now.

To accept my limitations - that there may be things that I am unable to do right now (mostly adrenaline pumping activities/adventures which I love).
To accept that my brain finds it challenging to concentrate hard and to focus on certain things for long periods of time.
To accept that it takes longer for me to process complex information.
To accept that I need help and that I don't need to appear strong in front of others all the time. Acknowledging that I am weak and vulnerable is not easy for me.
To accept that I should take things slow and with that - being patient with myself and not push myself too hard. Believe it or not, sometimes I forget that my surgeries were actually major surgeries, and I have the tendency to set high expectations on myself to perform or be able to bounce back into action quickly.
To accept whenever I am feeling awful/depressed because of my severe migraines, chest pains and stroke-like symptoms that I still experience once a while.
To accept that there are days when I am unable to function well due to the pain I'm experiencing. 
To accept that I am grieving over these changes that I have to adapt to and to also allow myself to grieve. I realize that I feel guilty at times for grieving because (a) I'm still alive and (b) I didn't suffer a major stroke. At times, I feel that I don't deserve to grieve... but I do. I need to remind myself that it is OK.
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I don't know what is in store for me for the future but I am trying to live in the present now and also not be too preoccupied with my past. These are life lessons that I have kept in my heart and am hoping that I can share with others who may also be struggling with Moyamoya. What I can be sure of is that the learning never ends.