It's been 3+ years since my surgeries... and there has been changes to my lifestyle. I have had to learn to let go of my workaholic ways... to slow down... to not multitask as my brain takes up more effort to filter out distractions and for me to concentrate on what is needed.. to be assertive with what I am comfortable with and to learn to say no.
It's been 3+ years... and I still get scolded by my parents who expect more out of me even though I have tried and tested my own boundaries.. I've pushed myself so hard in the past post-surgeries to return to "normal" that I ended up in the hospital because my body just couldn't take the strain of doing what I used to do.
I have learnt a very hard lesson last year as I came to terms with my limitations and now I know what I can do and what I can't. It's hard when my family thinks that I am using my limitations as an excuse to not meeting their expectations. I don't even ask for them to sacrifice anything to meet my needs.
I now work part-time.. and i choose to do my work in my room... and my family has a problem with it. They aren't accepting of the work-from-home and the work-in-the-room idea. I choose to do so because my parents... being retirees, spend a lot of time watching TV at the living area (where they are expecting me to work). This means I would have to take more time filtering out the noise and trying to pay attention to my work. Which is easily solved by me just working in my room. It's my preference. But i'm told that my preference indicates i'm spoilt and that i'm using it as excuse to be weak. And they compare me with others who can easily do their work in the midst of noise.
It is really hurtful when I hear these words... were they not there at the times I've pushed myself so hard that I ended up hurting myself and causing my recovery process to be stalled? It took a lot from me to be able to set proper limits to ensure that I did not abuse myself just to prove I am "normal". And now I am trying to engage in behaviors that preserve my health, not to please people. And unfortunately, my own family is not supportive and expects me to live the way THEY want me to. Even now, sometimes sometimes I also question myself if I'm slacking off.. and then I forget my limits and I would push myself to work harder/longer hours... and my body reacts to it - I end up struggling with awful migraines and my chest pains will return. And I remind myself that really, I have gone past my current ability and I try to slow down again or to rest.
sigh... this really sucks. I know I am still going to struggle with putting my foot down. I just wished my family knew living with this body is not easy for me either.
Friday, 2 February 2018
Thursday, 18 January 2018
milestones
Yet another surgery anniversary. My 3rd - in remembering how life was so tough for me after my surgeries, but God has seen me through my struggles.
I decided to take a look at my post from a year ago to see if there are any changes in my perspective. To be honest, I can't remember who said this to me and I had honestly forgotten about this. But these words are one of the wisest things someone has said to me. I'm sorry I can't remember who encouraged me with these words... but this was said:
"Don't feel guilty if you're too sick to do things. You have value simply because you are, even if you cannot be 'productive' in the way to which you were accustomed. Learn to cherish your very existence".
Last year was a tough year for me to learn acceptance about who I am now post-surgeries. I struggled and wrestled hard with God as I didn't understand what His Will was for me. I had difficulty liking "New Me" because I felt she was weak. I challenged New Me a lot as I kept wishing that she would just be like "Old Self". I couldn't connect with the statement above. I couldn't value who I was, simply because of who I am. I felt I had to prove the worth of my existence. I couldn't treasure who I was for just being me.
I'm thankful for the past year that God has provided different people to enter into my life to journey alongside me. There were people who still cherished me for me, not for what I could do. Of course, there would always be people who would pull me down as well, but I am thankful for the few who helped remind me that I matter as a person and that my productivity level did not define who I am.
"Why did God give me the heart to serve but not the body to go with it?".
That was the question that I posed to God after my surgeries when I found that I faced great difficulty functioning even just on a daily basis. I am now convicted that He has answered my prayers and pleas. No doubt, God has affirmed me that I really do have a heart to serve others and to help them in times of need. I no longer doubt or am concerned that it may be due to pride or wanting to show off. However, all along I've had certain expectations and ideals - that I need to have the fittest body to be able to love and serve others. And I was angry that I didn't have that body, because in my mind I felt that having a very good healthy body would be the best way to serve. Makes sense, no?
But as I continued to wrestle with this question throughout the year 2017, I realized God was creating a paradigm shift in me. He was helping me re-prioritize what is important. It's been a long and tiring journey, but I realize now (and need to be reminded at times) that my worth isn't tied to what I do. But that I AM already precious in His sight. Exactly what was told to me last year but I couldn't believe it. What was important to God was that I drew close to Him and deepen my relationship with Him. When I decided to listen to Him by trusting and taking that step of obedience in really reflecting inwardly and being honest with my pride, I started to see how God was working in my life. I now no longer fear that He will judge and punish me because I am not doing "more" like what I used to.
Today, I am convicted that God did not abandon me. That it was no mistake that I have this broken body. God allowed for me to discover and to live with this diseased body because I can STILL love others and reach out to them using this broken body. It is because of my painful experiences that I can better empathize and connect with others who may be struggling with illness. In the past, I desperately tried to cling on to what I thought was good - my old, seemingly fitter body. But looking back now, my Old Self would not be able to relate with people in pain because I was too busy trying to appear strong. New Me was vulnerable and in pain. And New Me could empathize and be accepting a lot more with the struggles of others. I learnt to embrace my emotions, my tears and my fears... and to surrender them all to my Father in Heaven. God has helped me see that this current body is best suited to reach out to people out there who struggle with illness... the people who feel lost and alone in trying to cope with pain. I can comfort them because I've experienced it myself. I still do sometimes... but what gives me hope and comfort is that I know God really is with me every step of the way, and I have friends who will encourage me during difficult moments.
One of the major things I struggled with was also the feeling of me missing out. I am in my 30s, I had to come to terms that I couldn't work full time anymore.. and it was difficult for me to volunteer for crisis relief efforts (one of the things I'm passionate about) because I always had to consider the limits of my health. But now I realize that there are different ways for me to serve. Would I still like to go into the mission field... for sure! but maybe there are other avenues of which I can be of service. And maybe there may be other opportunities for me to go in... opportunities that may not require me to kill myself to be able to help. This has helped me to learn to identify what my limits are and to say no as well.
So... do I have the heart to love? Without a doubt!
Do I have the body to be able to love others? Yes. I believe that now. My body isn't "strong", but my vulnerable body is able to reach out to others who are feeling vulnerable as well. This IS the body that can love others, even with its imperfections... ESPECIALLY with its imperfections... :)
I decided to take a look at my post from a year ago to see if there are any changes in my perspective. To be honest, I can't remember who said this to me and I had honestly forgotten about this. But these words are one of the wisest things someone has said to me. I'm sorry I can't remember who encouraged me with these words... but this was said:
"Don't feel guilty if you're too sick to do things. You have value simply because you are, even if you cannot be 'productive' in the way to which you were accustomed. Learn to cherish your very existence".
Last year was a tough year for me to learn acceptance about who I am now post-surgeries. I struggled and wrestled hard with God as I didn't understand what His Will was for me. I had difficulty liking "New Me" because I felt she was weak. I challenged New Me a lot as I kept wishing that she would just be like "Old Self". I couldn't connect with the statement above. I couldn't value who I was, simply because of who I am. I felt I had to prove the worth of my existence. I couldn't treasure who I was for just being me.
I'm thankful for the past year that God has provided different people to enter into my life to journey alongside me. There were people who still cherished me for me, not for what I could do. Of course, there would always be people who would pull me down as well, but I am thankful for the few who helped remind me that I matter as a person and that my productivity level did not define who I am.
"Why did God give me the heart to serve but not the body to go with it?".
That was the question that I posed to God after my surgeries when I found that I faced great difficulty functioning even just on a daily basis. I am now convicted that He has answered my prayers and pleas. No doubt, God has affirmed me that I really do have a heart to serve others and to help them in times of need. I no longer doubt or am concerned that it may be due to pride or wanting to show off. However, all along I've had certain expectations and ideals - that I need to have the fittest body to be able to love and serve others. And I was angry that I didn't have that body, because in my mind I felt that having a very good healthy body would be the best way to serve. Makes sense, no?
But as I continued to wrestle with this question throughout the year 2017, I realized God was creating a paradigm shift in me. He was helping me re-prioritize what is important. It's been a long and tiring journey, but I realize now (and need to be reminded at times) that my worth isn't tied to what I do. But that I AM already precious in His sight. Exactly what was told to me last year but I couldn't believe it. What was important to God was that I drew close to Him and deepen my relationship with Him. When I decided to listen to Him by trusting and taking that step of obedience in really reflecting inwardly and being honest with my pride, I started to see how God was working in my life. I now no longer fear that He will judge and punish me because I am not doing "more" like what I used to.
Today, I am convicted that God did not abandon me. That it was no mistake that I have this broken body. God allowed for me to discover and to live with this diseased body because I can STILL love others and reach out to them using this broken body. It is because of my painful experiences that I can better empathize and connect with others who may be struggling with illness. In the past, I desperately tried to cling on to what I thought was good - my old, seemingly fitter body. But looking back now, my Old Self would not be able to relate with people in pain because I was too busy trying to appear strong. New Me was vulnerable and in pain. And New Me could empathize and be accepting a lot more with the struggles of others. I learnt to embrace my emotions, my tears and my fears... and to surrender them all to my Father in Heaven. God has helped me see that this current body is best suited to reach out to people out there who struggle with illness... the people who feel lost and alone in trying to cope with pain. I can comfort them because I've experienced it myself. I still do sometimes... but what gives me hope and comfort is that I know God really is with me every step of the way, and I have friends who will encourage me during difficult moments.
One of the major things I struggled with was also the feeling of me missing out. I am in my 30s, I had to come to terms that I couldn't work full time anymore.. and it was difficult for me to volunteer for crisis relief efforts (one of the things I'm passionate about) because I always had to consider the limits of my health. But now I realize that there are different ways for me to serve. Would I still like to go into the mission field... for sure! but maybe there are other avenues of which I can be of service. And maybe there may be other opportunities for me to go in... opportunities that may not require me to kill myself to be able to help. This has helped me to learn to identify what my limits are and to say no as well.
So... do I have the heart to love? Without a doubt!
Do I have the body to be able to love others? Yes. I believe that now. My body isn't "strong", but my vulnerable body is able to reach out to others who are feeling vulnerable as well. This IS the body that can love others, even with its imperfections... ESPECIALLY with its imperfections... :)
Thursday, 9 November 2017
Learning Acceptance bit by bit
As the title suggests, I've been working through my frustration and issues having to live with Moyamoya. I had a long day of activity yesterday, and I ended up crashing. What I realized was that instead of getting angry and punishing myself mentally for yet another severe migraine and chest pain episode, I had told myself that I pushed myself a bit too far and need to be more careful.
I think its been quite a journey for me to really accept my limitations. I know I wrote a post some time back about accepting who I am now but to be honest, it was a HUGE struggle. I struggled with staying positive, showing a brave face and expecting me to function WAY over my ability/energy level. Needless to say that sent me down a downward spiral.
It's only after accepting that there will be differences in my life and that is OK to grieve about losing my old self and having to rediscover my new self that helped me engage in more realistic behaviors. Do I still feel incompetent, like I need to prove myself? Yeah, sometimes I still do. But i'm trying to be more gracious to myself too. To tell myself that life isn't easy, it sucks, but that's where I am right now.
Something I've been learning is also to identify what my values are and what is important to me. I've had to acknowledge that I can no longer adopt a child (something that I've always dreamt of doing as an adult), nor can I work full-time. I've grieved over the fact that there are some ambitions that will go unfulfilled due to my current state. But in the midst of finding myself again, I've found new pathways as well. Things I never thought I would do but opportunities are revealing itself to me. I still value connection and doing good for the community, so instead of doing what I used to do, I now connect with people who may be struggling with illness, and I still try to advocate for people with special needs through the talks that I conduct.
My life though exhausting and discouraging at times, I find not so bleak anymore. Making meaning after struggling through my illness has helped me be more focused and hopeful. I just hope that in your journey, you too can give yourself space to wrestle with your struggle and to find meaning again.
I think its been quite a journey for me to really accept my limitations. I know I wrote a post some time back about accepting who I am now but to be honest, it was a HUGE struggle. I struggled with staying positive, showing a brave face and expecting me to function WAY over my ability/energy level. Needless to say that sent me down a downward spiral.
It's only after accepting that there will be differences in my life and that is OK to grieve about losing my old self and having to rediscover my new self that helped me engage in more realistic behaviors. Do I still feel incompetent, like I need to prove myself? Yeah, sometimes I still do. But i'm trying to be more gracious to myself too. To tell myself that life isn't easy, it sucks, but that's where I am right now.
Something I've been learning is also to identify what my values are and what is important to me. I've had to acknowledge that I can no longer adopt a child (something that I've always dreamt of doing as an adult), nor can I work full-time. I've grieved over the fact that there are some ambitions that will go unfulfilled due to my current state. But in the midst of finding myself again, I've found new pathways as well. Things I never thought I would do but opportunities are revealing itself to me. I still value connection and doing good for the community, so instead of doing what I used to do, I now connect with people who may be struggling with illness, and I still try to advocate for people with special needs through the talks that I conduct.
My life though exhausting and discouraging at times, I find not so bleak anymore. Making meaning after struggling through my illness has helped me be more focused and hopeful. I just hope that in your journey, you too can give yourself space to wrestle with your struggle and to find meaning again.
Thursday, 31 August 2017
Journey of Acceptance
I've been trying to be active again and my schedule has been rather packed. End result - body isn't taking well to the strain and my immune system suffered. So I've been ill for more than a week even after finishing a course of medicine.
I had a conversation with a friend last week - I realized that it's been 3 years since my diagnosis but the weird thing is... the feeling of knowing I have a critical illness is still surreal. I live it EVERY DAY and yet... just acknowledging it is strange. Is it even true? Knowing that this disease/condition will stick with me for the rest of my life... is surreal.
This realization hit me that acceptance of my condition is a daily and conscious effort. I have been pushing myself too hard the past few weeks as I've been feeling slightly better. But because of me over-straining myself, my migraines are back with a vengeance and I feel weak. It's a topsy-turvy relationship I have with myself. Looks like I am still struggling with finding a balance between rest and work. I have to remind myself daily about my limits but I tend to fail miserably as I will just push myself to get through the day.
I do realize I'm not as angry with myself as I used to be whenever I made the mistake of pushing myself too hard. I am aware of my weakness - the need to achieve, to contribute. I'm trying to be more compassionate towards myself. But I think I also need to set better limits for myself and be OK with not doing as much as I want to.
Sigh. It's still a rollercoaster ride. But I'm thankful I have friends who would remind me to slow down.
I had a conversation with a friend last week - I realized that it's been 3 years since my diagnosis but the weird thing is... the feeling of knowing I have a critical illness is still surreal. I live it EVERY DAY and yet... just acknowledging it is strange. Is it even true? Knowing that this disease/condition will stick with me for the rest of my life... is surreal.
This realization hit me that acceptance of my condition is a daily and conscious effort. I have been pushing myself too hard the past few weeks as I've been feeling slightly better. But because of me over-straining myself, my migraines are back with a vengeance and I feel weak. It's a topsy-turvy relationship I have with myself. Looks like I am still struggling with finding a balance between rest and work. I have to remind myself daily about my limits but I tend to fail miserably as I will just push myself to get through the day.
I do realize I'm not as angry with myself as I used to be whenever I made the mistake of pushing myself too hard. I am aware of my weakness - the need to achieve, to contribute. I'm trying to be more compassionate towards myself. But I think I also need to set better limits for myself and be OK with not doing as much as I want to.
Sigh. It's still a rollercoaster ride. But I'm thankful I have friends who would remind me to slow down.
Tuesday, 18 July 2017
Grief
I tried to read a chapter of a psych textbook last week. And I failed miserably. I realize one of the reasons why it was also so difficult was because of the anxiety that was weighing me down. Even before reading that chapter, I was a bundle of nerves because I am all too aware that I have difficulty processing technical/deep information since my surgeries.
To say I was frustrated with myself (or New Me - in reference to my previous post), is an understatement. I was grieving. To the point that when I wanted to share my struggle with my team of colleagues... I ended up breaking down. I remembered thinking, "how much longer am I going to grief?" Last week, I really didn't know the answer. Honestly, I still don't... but I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe this grief will never actually leave me for good but maybe the effect on me will hopefully, gradually subside.
But I really have to thank God for amazing team mates (all of whom are mental health professionals) who gave me the space to express my sadness... to grieve, without judging me... without mollycoddling me. In fact, they normalized my experience. One even helped me reflect that I am actually really, REALLY hard on myself. (I know this... but I tend to forget). It's so easy to push myself and expect more from myself... but if I were to have switched roles with anyone else, I wouldn't be pushing them as hard as I am to myself.
Another thanked me for showing courage by being vulnerable. Sounds oxymoronic, but I do understand her point although it's hard for me to admit it. I grew up learning that crying was not a good thing and that it showed weakness. It's quite a paradigm shift to think that expressing such personal emotions that leaves me so vulnerable is actually a strength... and not a weakness.
I'm sorry, New Me. I really am still learning to adapt to you. I do miss Old Self still. But I'm trying. I think this grief will stick with me for some time. But I do realize that I'm learning to be more open to allowing myself to grieve. Maybe I can grieve alongside New Me. I don't need to isolate myself and feel all alone in this. Maybe it's not either/or. Maybe I'm in between. in transition.
I'm grieving... but it's OK. I can't put a time limit to grief as it would just make me feel irritated. I just need time. as much time as I need. Please be patient with me, New Me...
To say I was frustrated with myself (or New Me - in reference to my previous post), is an understatement. I was grieving. To the point that when I wanted to share my struggle with my team of colleagues... I ended up breaking down. I remembered thinking, "how much longer am I going to grief?" Last week, I really didn't know the answer. Honestly, I still don't... but I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe this grief will never actually leave me for good but maybe the effect on me will hopefully, gradually subside.
But I really have to thank God for amazing team mates (all of whom are mental health professionals) who gave me the space to express my sadness... to grieve, without judging me... without mollycoddling me. In fact, they normalized my experience. One even helped me reflect that I am actually really, REALLY hard on myself. (I know this... but I tend to forget). It's so easy to push myself and expect more from myself... but if I were to have switched roles with anyone else, I wouldn't be pushing them as hard as I am to myself.
Another thanked me for showing courage by being vulnerable. Sounds oxymoronic, but I do understand her point although it's hard for me to admit it. I grew up learning that crying was not a good thing and that it showed weakness. It's quite a paradigm shift to think that expressing such personal emotions that leaves me so vulnerable is actually a strength... and not a weakness.
I'm sorry, New Me. I really am still learning to adapt to you. I do miss Old Self still. But I'm trying. I think this grief will stick with me for some time. But I do realize that I'm learning to be more open to allowing myself to grieve. Maybe I can grieve alongside New Me. I don't need to isolate myself and feel all alone in this. Maybe it's not either/or. Maybe I'm in between. in transition.
I'm grieving... but it's OK. I can't put a time limit to grief as it would just make me feel irritated. I just need time. as much time as I need. Please be patient with me, New Me...
Thursday, 22 June 2017
A Tale of Old Self and New Me
It's been about three years since I received the news that I have a disease called Moyamoya Disease - a diagnosis that drastically changed my life. I wish I was exaggerating, but no... this condition has really thrown me into a loop and made me struggle with things that I had previously taken for granted (i.e. the ability to multitask, to work full time, to read deep/technical books and be able to process the information, etc).
Does it get easier as time passes? To be honest, I'm still adapting. I'm still learning to accept the way things are now. I think I struggle a lot because I really LIKED my Old Self. I felt strong, secure, confident, talented and able. Old Self was an identity I was familiar and comfortable with. All that crumbled when I found myself no longer able to do what I loved doing. It may seem weird, but I felt betrayed by Old Self. Why did Old Self leave me? Why did it have to happen this way? There were so many things I wanted to do. There was so much I had to offer. Personally, I don't think I'm a selfish person. I've always wanted to contribute to society with my talents and my abilities. But E.V.E.R.Y effort I made now was pain-staking. Just trying to stay alert the whole day to engage in activities became a battle I had to fight. Most days, it felt like I had to whip out the white flag and admit defeat. I had to wrestle with the "New Me", challenge her boundaries and push her to be more like Old Self. Believe me, I'm naturally hard on myself. So I'd be miserable with New Me - forcing her to buck up and to perform better. And when New Me was miserable, I was miserable. Because I AM New Me! The problem was... there were times Old Self may show glimpses of herself which made me think that hey, maybe I can coerce her to stay and chain her so she would never leave. But deep down, I had that sinking feeling that this was no longer a conducive environment for Old Self to live in.
And then I knew (I will admit that till now there are times I may be in denial of this).
I have to let Old Self go...
I'm terrible at saying goodbyes. One, I'm a sentimental person. Two, well... I knew Old Self a whole lot better than this New Me. And I do struggle with the fear of the unknown, so I don't really like sitting with uncertainty. So to be honest, I haven't actually said my proper goodbyes.
It's been three years. I'm still getting acquainted to New Me - I've cried over New Me's "inadequacies", congratulated New Me's triumphs in the little things, bargained with New Me over the ability to engage in certain activities, etc.
New Me is my frenemy.
I'm beginning to accept her but sometimes I just don't understand her all that well. And that... scares me. But what I do know is that she is here to stay and I need to learn to live with her. I realize that fighting her continuously would just make me furious and uncontented. I also realized that I was so adamant in pointing out New Me's shortcomings and faults, that at times I failed to acknowledge the blessings she could bring to the table. Sometimes, I noticed those blessings and how it encouraged others, but it was easier to forget or dismiss them because I just wanted Old Self back. It was easier to reject New Me because I just didn't like what she represented. Sometimes, people assumed I was less capable because of my affiliation to New Me. Sometimes, people stopped calling/inviting me to participate in certain things because New Me is my constant companion. Sometimes, I'm excluded from discussions or conversations maybe because they felt that New Me is taking up all my time. Sometimes, people would tell me to buck up and break up with New Me, and just be with Old Self. I wish they knew how much I wanted that... but it's not possible because Old Self has left and I need to moved on. Always, these incidences and comments hurt even though I am aware that they come from good intentions.
New Me, I'm sorry for being so hard on you and not liking you very much. I know you wouldn't have wanted things to happen this way either. It's been a huge struggle for you as well. I'm sorry for denying your existence and pushing you away when all you wanted to do was adapt to this new situation. I like you more now though I am aware that I'm still quite impatient with you at times. I know God has put you in my life for a reason although I don't really know what it is. It's still going to be a challenging journey but I hope that as time goes on, I can fully accept and appreciate you for who you are and not who I want you to be. Please be patient with me...
Does it get easier as time passes? To be honest, I'm still adapting. I'm still learning to accept the way things are now. I think I struggle a lot because I really LIKED my Old Self. I felt strong, secure, confident, talented and able. Old Self was an identity I was familiar and comfortable with. All that crumbled when I found myself no longer able to do what I loved doing. It may seem weird, but I felt betrayed by Old Self. Why did Old Self leave me? Why did it have to happen this way? There were so many things I wanted to do. There was so much I had to offer. Personally, I don't think I'm a selfish person. I've always wanted to contribute to society with my talents and my abilities. But E.V.E.R.Y effort I made now was pain-staking. Just trying to stay alert the whole day to engage in activities became a battle I had to fight. Most days, it felt like I had to whip out the white flag and admit defeat. I had to wrestle with the "New Me", challenge her boundaries and push her to be more like Old Self. Believe me, I'm naturally hard on myself. So I'd be miserable with New Me - forcing her to buck up and to perform better. And when New Me was miserable, I was miserable. Because I AM New Me! The problem was... there were times Old Self may show glimpses of herself which made me think that hey, maybe I can coerce her to stay and chain her so she would never leave. But deep down, I had that sinking feeling that this was no longer a conducive environment for Old Self to live in.
And then I knew (I will admit that till now there are times I may be in denial of this).
I have to let Old Self go...
I'm terrible at saying goodbyes. One, I'm a sentimental person. Two, well... I knew Old Self a whole lot better than this New Me. And I do struggle with the fear of the unknown, so I don't really like sitting with uncertainty. So to be honest, I haven't actually said my proper goodbyes.
It's been three years. I'm still getting acquainted to New Me - I've cried over New Me's "inadequacies", congratulated New Me's triumphs in the little things, bargained with New Me over the ability to engage in certain activities, etc.
New Me is my frenemy.
I'm beginning to accept her but sometimes I just don't understand her all that well. And that... scares me. But what I do know is that she is here to stay and I need to learn to live with her. I realize that fighting her continuously would just make me furious and uncontented. I also realized that I was so adamant in pointing out New Me's shortcomings and faults, that at times I failed to acknowledge the blessings she could bring to the table. Sometimes, I noticed those blessings and how it encouraged others, but it was easier to forget or dismiss them because I just wanted Old Self back. It was easier to reject New Me because I just didn't like what she represented. Sometimes, people assumed I was less capable because of my affiliation to New Me. Sometimes, people stopped calling/inviting me to participate in certain things because New Me is my constant companion. Sometimes, I'm excluded from discussions or conversations maybe because they felt that New Me is taking up all my time. Sometimes, people would tell me to buck up and break up with New Me, and just be with Old Self. I wish they knew how much I wanted that... but it's not possible because Old Self has left and I need to moved on. Always, these incidences and comments hurt even though I am aware that they come from good intentions.
New Me, I'm sorry for being so hard on you and not liking you very much. I know you wouldn't have wanted things to happen this way either. It's been a huge struggle for you as well. I'm sorry for denying your existence and pushing you away when all you wanted to do was adapt to this new situation. I like you more now though I am aware that I'm still quite impatient with you at times. I know God has put you in my life for a reason although I don't really know what it is. It's still going to be a challenging journey but I hope that as time goes on, I can fully accept and appreciate you for who you are and not who I want you to be. Please be patient with me...
Saturday, 20 May 2017
adjusting back to community
Ironically, I write this with eyes feeling like they are being stabbed over and over again. But after taking a much needed nap, I do feel a bit better.
It's rather odd... I know I have been trying to make use of myself the past two years since my surgeries - I've given talks, done some disaster relief work... and yet, I know that I still feel inadequate. Clearly, my expectations of myself are quite ridiculous. Something I still have difficulty adjusting with.
But the interesting thing I've realized is.. since I decided to conduct a talk on supporting family/friends with chronic illness, it feels like I have more purpose in my life. It feels like the right thing to do. I've been struggling so long with my illness, it makes sense to share with others in hopes that I can speak up for others who may not have the words to explain how they want to be supported. Maybe it's the therapist part of me who is yearning to emerge again. I'm not sure. But I know preparing for this workshop hasn't been easy. Just having to concentrate for hours at a time gives me migraines. but I pray that the Lord will use me in this way to reach out to others.
It's rather odd... I know I have been trying to make use of myself the past two years since my surgeries - I've given talks, done some disaster relief work... and yet, I know that I still feel inadequate. Clearly, my expectations of myself are quite ridiculous. Something I still have difficulty adjusting with.
But the interesting thing I've realized is.. since I decided to conduct a talk on supporting family/friends with chronic illness, it feels like I have more purpose in my life. It feels like the right thing to do. I've been struggling so long with my illness, it makes sense to share with others in hopes that I can speak up for others who may not have the words to explain how they want to be supported. Maybe it's the therapist part of me who is yearning to emerge again. I'm not sure. But I know preparing for this workshop hasn't been easy. Just having to concentrate for hours at a time gives me migraines. but I pray that the Lord will use me in this way to reach out to others.
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