Today marks the 10th anniversary of my 1st brain surgery. This milestone feels rather surreal. How time has flown. That said, my chronic health issues persists since my disease is a progressive yet incurable one. Very recently, my symptoms emerged with a vengeance - severe debilitating migraines which caused nausea and vomitting, amongst other symptoms. A few days after, I was suddenly overcome with excruciating pain down my spine and legs, and after lying myself down, I could not move nor turn. And I had to be transported to HUKM's ER via ambulance. Thankfully I was able to walk after hours of monitoring and having been pumped with painkillers.
For the next few days, despair set in. To see a seemingly healthy looking person staring back at me in the mirror caused quite a mental disconnect with my actual condition, and the grief washed over me in waves. This time, anticipatory grief emerged, recognizing that this would probably be how paralysis feels like in the event of a major stroke.
I gave myself space to cry and lament to God. ZJ shared Psalms 28 and grieved with me. And I've been listening to MercyMe's "Almost Home" and Natalie Grant's "Praise You In This Storm" . Also, God worked in mysterious ways. As I was scrolling through my phone one day, a picture of a girl staring at herself in the mirror popped up (pic 4). And the girl in the mirror leans over to give herself a hug. Seeing that touched me to the core and it made me tear up. Having that space to acknowledge my frustrations to God and knowing that He listens to my pain gave me peace that I am not alone. I also had people praying for me - which I am thankful for. I recognize this is a cycle that I'll experience throughout my lifetime as I battle with my disease and it's ok to experience those difficult episodes. God will continue to hold me and comfort me during those moments.
For now, I'm still in recovery - having "torture" sessions with my physiotherapist as she tries to loosen and stretch my tightened muscles, while I try to get back to some normalcy (work, rest, meetings, etc).
