yet another...

 I was hospitalized two weeks ago as I had difficulty breathing. It's not Covid-19. Something I am thankful for. I was subjected to MANY tests. I was poked with lots of needles throughout my stay as they tried to figure out what was wrong. They concluded it was a lung infection - what exactly, they couldn't not pinpoint. 

What they discovered in their extensive tests and prodding was that I have Grave's Disease. What I thought I had for two years was hyperthyroidism. But actually I have Grave's Disease which is an autoimmune disease. And it can cause hyperthyroidism. The doctors fear that this has been overlooked and untreated Grave's disease can cause a lot of further complications. 

To be honest, I have put this diagnosis aside as I was not ready to pay attention to it or to accept it. It's just been so draining. It's yet another diagnosis to add on to my already very sickly body. I just need time to process it and to come to terms with it, but it just feels like it's another huge hurdle that I need to overcome. 

I've been feeling depressed but trying to function as normally as I can. And to some extent, I know I am putting up a face... a facade to keep myself sane. But I know my feelings of lowness and demotivation needs to be taken notice of, and I need to care for myself amidst my busy-ness and lack of sleep. 

I feel God has been using different ways to show that He is there for me. A dear, dear friend in the US messaged me when I was in tears just to check in with me and I started sharing with her my sadness and she held that space for me. Also, this popped up on social media that is giving me some hope and I'd like to leave it here as a reminder to myself and for others who are struggling:

Privilege of being healthy

 I found myself reacting to a friend's post on social media a few days ago. She talked about how people make excuses for not being able to buy a house, quoting that a teenager who worked in a fast food restaurant for several years, was able to purchase a house without anyone's help. I sat with my reaction towards her post and I noticed frustration emerging. and I found myself saying that it is a privilege to be able to save the kind of money needed to buy a house.

Recently, I was hospitalized for quite a few days due to a lung infection, which caused shortness of breath and I required the aid of oxygen mask. Thank God it wasn't Covid-19 but the doctors couldn't pinpoint what the infection really was... anyway, thankfully I was in a government hospital. Even then, the bill totaled to nearly RM1k, with all the treatments and diagnostic procedures i was put through. And more and more I realize that illnesses can hit anyone and everyone, but not everyone has the privilege to be able to seek medical help. I would consider myself one of the lucky ones but whose bank account is being drained by the many medical conditions I have. I will be going for a CT scan next week for my Moyamoya follow-up and that alone will cost me to a tune of about RM2k+ because my surgeon is now in private practice. 

(Edit: After going for the CT Scan, to my horror, the bill presented to me was close to RM6000)

Being physically healthy is a privilege. Being able to function as per normal, to live "normal" lives, to do what "normal" people do is a privilege. I think we always assume life is to go on an upward direction (e.g. get a job, find a partner, buy a house, buy a car or two, invest, etc) but it doesn't always work that way. Life can throw you into a loop. Sometimes it feels like life is passing me by, and I'm trying to jump into that same wagon but it literally leaves me breathless trying to catch up.   

I've been reading a book and it talked about a poem called, "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Perl Kingsley. 

And it has resonated very much with me. There are so many things I want to do and experience but I find myself being pushed/redirected to do something else or I am told I can no longer do what I dream... It's about finding meaning and appreciating the scenery even though that was not where I wanted to go.. 

Anyway, this is my current process...