When grieving will continue

This post is late, but in August I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism (it runs in my family). Although my family and I had suspected it before the blood test, receiving the formal diagnosis was hard for me. It was yet another health issue that I had to deal with. Again, this identity as a sick person kept coming to me. Grief came over me. My family didn't understand why I was upset but I allowed myself to cry.

And to fast forward to recent days, I was informed by the neurosurgeon that my Moyamoya vessels are still evident in my MRA which suggests that I am still not safe from suffering any stroke attacks. Also, he mentioned that I have to give up my dreams of learning scuba diving, bungee jumping and sky-diving. I know that my condition has no cure and it is progressive but it was another painful period of grief. 

After the hospital appointment, I just sat in my car and cried. In my head, I thought of just going home and crawling into bed, not wanting to do anything. But I had a muaythai trial class that day.. after some reflection, I felt that life still goes on and I can try to live it meaningfully while being careful not to strain myself.

What came to me was that my grieving process will come up time and again as my disease progresses. And I will continue to experience losses and I will grieve. I am ready for that? maybe not, but I have learnt not to dwell on it. Do I wish things were different - that I was fit and healthy. Sure I do, but again wanting to live life now the best I can and be the person I want to be. I feel I am more authentic and real now, without hiding my emotions and pretending that things are great when they aren't. But being able to accept my struggles and continue doing things that are important to me. 

Looking at Healing

Recently I met a wise lady who got to know about my health condition and she asked if she could pray for me. In her prayer, she prayed for healing for me... and for some reason, I felt compelled to tell her that I have stopped praying for physical healing as I believe there is a reason for this disease and how I can serve God even when I struggle with this illness.

Needless to say, her response shook my heart as she said she understood that I have come to terms with the disease, that it is here to stay. But "healing comes in many forms". She was also praying for my spiritual healing, my emotional healing, my psychological healing. It struck me that I have been thinking of healing in such a limited way...

As I look back at my journey, my struggle and my pain with this disease, I see how God has brought me through it all. Definitely, I still hurt. It's still a challenge, but my focus has changed to looking to God for strength instead of stubbornly depending on myself.

Truly, if not for this disease, I would not have been humbled and broken. Desperately needing God and His comfort and grace. It's through this illness that I am able to see God's Love and providence.

Thank You, Lord for the healing that you have granted me, even when I didn't realize it. And thank You for revealing this to me.