These wise words are spoken by a person I have so much respect for. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be given space to be myself - to grieve a recent development of my Moyamoya disease, to be deeply connected with friends and people that I just got to know in the past 6 days.
Life-giving moments.
I wonder how that looks like. Sometimes it feels ironic to think about life-giving moments when I am reminded daily about my incurable disease - my scars, my bruises, my symptoms, my pain... But as I continue to reflect why I am still given the chance to live, I realize how I can touch others just by being real with my struggle. I was very blessed to have people affirm me the past 5 days. It has been unreal as I never really thought of how my actions may affect people. If you asked me 5 years ago if I would be so honest with my limits and weakness, I would have laughed at you. But I see how God has been by my side and given me the strength to hang in there.
To be honest, I still struggle at times. And I am still considering what options I should take if things go south. Do I continue to undergo surgeries? I spoke to this wise friend, telling her that I lose a part of myself every time I underwent my brain surgeries. Am I ready to continue losing parts of myself, my functioning? What is God's Will for me? How do I continue to glorify Him in all my experiences? Would it be selfish to decide to stop treatments, to let my life take its course and to go Home when it is time? I am ready to go Home, but I am mindful not to wish myself death as there is much that I can do while I am here.
Still... this song comes to mind - My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness. I am thankful for the friends who have been supportive. I am thankful for the safe space to be real. I am thankful for the God who loves me unconditionally and is preparing a place for me in His Kingdom. I am thankful for God granting me opportunities to share His Love.
“My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who bore my pain;
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace
And gave me life again;
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness
And clothed me in His light
And wrote His law of righteousness
With pow’r upon my heart.
My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev’ry promise is enough
For ev’ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.
My heart is filled with thankfulness
To him who reigns above,
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,
Whose ev’ry thought is love.
For ev’ry day I have on earth
Is given by the King;
So I will give my life, my all,
To love and follow him.”
