I've been trying to be active again and my schedule has been rather packed. End result - body isn't taking well to the strain and my immune system suffered. So I've been ill for more than a week even after finishing a course of medicine.
I had a conversation with a friend last week - I realized that it's been 3 years since my diagnosis but the weird thing is... the feeling of knowing I have a critical illness is still surreal. I live it EVERY DAY and yet... just acknowledging it is strange. Is it even true? Knowing that this disease/condition will stick with me for the rest of my life... is surreal.
This realization hit me that acceptance of my condition is a daily and conscious effort. I have been pushing myself too hard the past few weeks as I've been feeling slightly better. But because of me over-straining myself, my migraines are back with a vengeance and I feel weak. It's a topsy-turvy relationship I have with myself. Looks like I am still struggling with finding a balance between rest and work. I have to remind myself daily about my limits but I tend to fail miserably as I will just push myself to get through the day.
I do realize I'm not as angry with myself as I used to be whenever I made the mistake of pushing myself too hard. I am aware of my weakness - the need to achieve, to contribute. I'm trying to be more compassionate towards myself. But I think I also need to set better limits for myself and be OK with not doing as much as I want to.
Sigh. It's still a rollercoaster ride. But I'm thankful I have friends who would remind me to slow down.
