I tried to read a chapter of a psych textbook last week. And I failed miserably. I realize one of the reasons why it was also so difficult was because of the anxiety that was weighing me down. Even before reading that chapter, I was a bundle of nerves because I am all too aware that I have difficulty processing technical/deep information since my surgeries.
To say I was frustrated with myself (or New Me - in reference to my previous post), is an understatement. I was grieving. To the point that when I wanted to share my struggle with my team of colleagues... I ended up breaking down. I remembered thinking, "how much longer am I going to grief?" Last week, I really didn't know the answer. Honestly, I still don't... but I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe this grief will never actually leave me for good but maybe the effect on me will hopefully, gradually subside.
But I really have to thank God for amazing team mates (all of whom are mental health professionals) who gave me the space to express my sadness... to grieve, without judging me... without mollycoddling me. In fact, they normalized my experience. One even helped me reflect that I am actually really, REALLY hard on myself. (I know this... but I tend to forget). It's so easy to push myself and expect more from myself... but if I were to have switched roles with anyone else, I wouldn't be pushing them as hard as I am to myself.
Another thanked me for showing courage by being vulnerable. Sounds oxymoronic, but I do understand her point although it's hard for me to admit it. I grew up learning that crying was not a good thing and that it showed weakness. It's quite a paradigm shift to think that expressing such personal emotions that leaves me so vulnerable is actually a strength... and not a weakness.
I'm sorry, New Me. I really am still learning to adapt to you. I do miss Old Self still. But I'm trying. I think this grief will stick with me for some time. But I do realize that I'm learning to be more open to allowing myself to grieve. Maybe I can grieve alongside New Me. I don't need to isolate myself and feel all alone in this. Maybe it's not either/or. Maybe I'm in between. in transition.
I'm grieving... but it's OK. I can't put a time limit to grief as it would just make me feel irritated. I just need time. as much time as I need. Please be patient with me, New Me...
